Stitchy McYarnpants

Confessions of a husband-neglecting, cat-shooing, yarn-hoarding knitaholic. But in a good way.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Happy Belated New Year!

I haven’t felt particularly inclined to do an end-of-the-year post, but then, I suddenly was. A little late, but if you know one thing about me, it’s that I work on my own timetable. It’s irritating to everyone else who doesn’t live my own personal time zone, which is everyone. Love me, love my screwed-up internal clock.

This year has been a really weird one. Lots of good stuff, plenty of bad stuff, even more boring stuff. Today was my due date from the pregnancy I lost in June. I haven’t really been dwelling on it, but I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t been on my mind lately. You can’t help but look back at the past year and try to encapsulate it. It’s what starting a new year is all about. Try as I might, I can’t even imagine having a kid today. Literally today. Our house isn’t even fit for a baby to visit, never mind live in! I know we would have gotten everything pulled together and we’d be as ready as we’d ever be, but it still blows my mind to think of how amazingly different our lives would be right now, at this very moment. It’s like trying to envision a parallel universe. It’s a not-so-subtle reminder that life is a series of events very loosely strung together. Something happens, you react, something else happens, you do your best to deal with it, something else happens, you say “What?!?” and so on and so on and so on. And all the while, the world keeps spinning, life moves on, and the only thing you can do is roll with it until . . . well, until you don’t have to any more. There were endless possibilities for what “January-8th-me” would have been up to, who I would be, where my energies would be focused. Two of them are enough for me to try to work out, but every day, every hour, every minute, something can happen to change your direction entirely. Weird.

I used to scare myself silly when I was little thinking about this sort of thing. I would imagine what would have happened if my parents hadn’t met when they did, if at all. What if I had been “made” on a different day? Would I still be me? Would I be at all? Who would I be, if not me? Maybe I actually was the result of someone being conceived on a different day. Maybe I was actually someone else entirely, and yet still me and I would never know it! Who was I? Who did the other kids in the playground see when they saw me? Did they even see me? And then I would repeat this over and over until I was completely freaked out. “I am me. I am me. I am me.” and from there, it became “I am. I am. I am . . . “ I felt very small.

And other times, I would say the word “turtle” over and over again until I no longer had any idea what the word meant. It would seem that I’ve spent a fair amount of time messing with my own head.

Anyway, as much as I didn’t want to, my mind has labeled 2005 as the year I had three miscarriages. I can’t help it, I’m a labeler. 1994 was the year Kurt Cobain died. 2000 was the year I turned 31 (I had been calculating since childhood!). 2003 was the year I got married. Heh, 1992 is simply labeled “grunge” and I have no real idea what happened that year. But I feel like I can leave 2005 behind me and move on knowing that I did my best with the challenges that I was faced with and enjoyed the good stuff as much as I could. I leave it with a strange mixture of melancholy, relief, sentimentality, satisfaction, and a healthy pinch a drama-queendom. As ever, there is always room for improvement. Who knows what 2006 will be – could be anything. Isn’t that wild? ANYTHING. And that goes for all of you. Any-freaking-thing. Put that on your needles and knit it!

Here’s to a new year full of endless possibilities! May 2006 just be cool and not get all up in your grill.

34 Comments:

Blogger noricum said...

I used to do that with the word "and." Boy, was that weird!

1/09/2006 12:46:00 AM  
Blogger kitkatknit said...

Sometimes I stare at my 19 year old son, (who is the most wonderful person in the whole world) and think if I had done ONE thing different on any given day up until the time he was conceived, he wouldn't be here today or be the person he is. There were many days up to that day that I wish never existed, but he more than makes up for any one of them!

1/09/2006 01:01:00 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

I used to say "slice" over and over again. Weird bloody word.

I am sorry you miscarried. May many fertile days stretch before you, fibroid free. Cheers, mate.

1/09/2006 02:36:00 AM  
Blogger Rabbitch said...

I used to (um, still do) say words over and over until they really aren't words any more. I think perhaps we're all freaks.

I love you. I hope next year is better. Post more bad knitting. DO more good knitting. I command it.

You're welcome.

1/09/2006 04:39:00 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Ah the joys of peeing on a stick; I just did that this morning. bfn. I'm so sorry for your miscarriages. I hope you were able to take care of your fibroids, and that you are able to quickly get a bfp and that it's sticky for you.

1/09/2006 07:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Stephanie said...

I can't wait to see what this year is for you. Can. Not. Wait.
(Ya want me to send you some bootees? Could be a uterine hint.)

The word "hamster" goes wrong very quickly.

1/09/2006 08:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Liz Cadorette said...

"Who knows what 2006 will be – could be anything. Isn’t that wild? ANYTHING. And that goes for all of you. Any-freaking-thing. Put that on your needles and knit it!"

Seriously? Best-written most profound year-end statement I've seen. Thank you! The world is rife with possibility. :)

1/09/2006 09:04:00 AM  
Anonymous June said...

Hi Stitchy,

I spent some time this weekend reading the archives of a blog about infertility and pregnancy - believe you me, everything that could have possibly gone wrong seems to have occurred with this woman, but the author was strong and muscled her way through with good humor. She has a son today. I learned a lot from it; anyway, thought it might be an interesting browse for you, too:
http://www.alittlepregnant.com/

1/09/2006 09:20:00 AM  
Blogger katiedid said...

I always worried that my life was just part of someone elses dreams and I wasn't real at all. Strange and scary thoughts we had as kids, huh?

That was a wonderful year-end statement. May 2006 be full of wonders and joys for you. (sounds cheesy but i really mean it.)

1/09/2006 09:56:00 AM  
Blogger Ann said...

Here's to anything! Cheers.

1/09/2006 10:20:00 AM  
Blogger Martita said...

My mom had three miscarriages and then she had me. Not to say that I'm any great treasure, but, I mean, she thought I was. At least until I started climbing the fridge and swinging from the drapes... she may have had second thoughts then.

Here's to a fertile 2006!

1/09/2006 10:29:00 AM  
Blogger Carole said...

I wish you a happy 2006 - full of whatever you want it to be full of.

1/09/2006 12:01:00 PM  
Blogger ErLeCa said...

Seriously were we separated at birth? I used to do that same thing with the whole freakin' myself out when I was kid. Though instead of using the word 'turtle' I'd use my own name until it didn't mean anything at all, then all of a sudden I'd get this sort of out of body experience where I'd look at myself and say this is who I am this time. It was weird.
Not only that, I know you've always dreamed of workin with animals and it's what I'm doing. Small world I guess.
I hope 2006 is everything you want it to be!

1/09/2006 12:31:00 PM  
Blogger JustApril said...

I used to totally spaz about how amazing it was that "I" came to be. Like, what if anything in any part of history had changed - all the people that came before me had to be conceived and born and live and get married, ...etc... from beginning to me..... how did I even come to be? - this is at the age of 5 and 6 or so - too much for my little head!

I used to repeat all sorts of words, but always with brothers and sisters all giggliing hysterically - but I did find recently that saying "quickly quickly quickly" really fast turns into lots of other words very soon - like clickly.

So sorry about your losses, though, that's too many. =( 2 of my sister's in law lost babies recently, too, it's really hard, I know. (((hugs)))

(I also turned 31 in 2000 - and had been worrying about it since about the age of 9 - ?)

1/09/2006 01:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Imbrium said...

My mother was engaged to another man before she met my father - the two of them broke it off when he ended up going to Vietnam. I remember the first time that it occurred to me that if she'd married him, I wouldn't exist. A very weird and kind of scary thought.

Best wishes for 2006...full of possibility!

1/09/2006 02:16:00 PM  
Anonymous melanie said...

Hamster
HAMster
hamSTER
HamsterR

yeah...that's fucked up.

love you.

1/09/2006 02:18:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

I've been where you are...had a child after 18 years.... he is now 9.... so ya never know... everyone says God has a sense of humor...I figure he has to.

1/09/2006 04:20:00 PM  
Blogger Anne Marie said...

I'm sorry that 2005 was a year of loss for you...I hope that 2006 will have a must better association with it.

1/09/2006 04:34:00 PM  
Blogger Darcy said...

Here's hoping 2006 will be full of "gots" instead of "losts" for you. I do that with words, too, especially names. Good Luck! :-)

1/09/2006 05:25:00 PM  
Blogger Norma said...

I echo what Anne Marie said, in exactly her words. I couldn't think of a better way to say it.

1/09/2006 05:44:00 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Wishing you the best this year.

1/09/2006 06:30:00 PM  
Blogger julia fc said...

If you ever doubt that being a mommy lies in your future, I could tell you in needless detail how my Boy came to me finally, naturally, drug and anxiety free, at just the right time. It doesn't undo the hurt of of what might have been, but it certainly points to the joy of what will be. Happy New Year.

1/09/2006 11:28:00 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

oh gosh, i used to obsess about how i came to be, what infintessimal changes would have made me dramatically different, if i could have been born to different parents. drove me nuts. i also tend to stare at my first name until it disintegrates into simply an arrangement of letters.

i'm sorry you had a rough year and wish you all the best in 2006.

1/10/2006 12:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rough year = over = phew. I know what you mean about the house. I have a friend with a 2 year old. My house has many, many sharp corners, 5 of them on the cat. My friend dreamily recounted her day in slow motion whilst her toddler wandered around with me following him saying 'please don't touch that, look at this, over here! wow!' and occasionally suggesting to his mother that she might want to help me distract him from the knives and the kitty litter and the knitting needles and the dog's eyes with the poky fingers and the PLEASE GOD STOP HIM LEANING ON THE CAT.

1/10/2006 08:32:00 AM  
Blogger Knitting Painter Woman said...

Shame on them for shaming you when you were having such a difficult year. We do manage to "set" some dates in our memories, don't we? The only thing I can say (after all these years, a couple of kids, a divorce, breast cancer and the treatments) is that I make a point of remembering HAPPY dates, too. Otherwise there'd be just too many crappy anniversaries. I'm cheering in your general direction.

1/11/2006 02:09:00 AM  
Blogger Mighty Momogus said...

I used to say the words "stop sign" over and over whenever I saw one...until I'd get dizzy. Now I'm relieved to read that every other kid (or at least all you guys) seems to have done the same thing.

I love New Year's. I love making resolutions. I love the idea of a fresh start and the promise of whatever's coming.

Best wishes for a happy healthy NEW year!

1/11/2006 06:43:00 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Let's hope 2006 has some really cool and fun name by the time it's done!

I also used to freak myself out, wondering what would have happened to me if...if...if, good to know I'm not the only one.

Hugs

1/11/2006 05:29:00 PM  
Blogger Ruth said...

Also echoing Ann Marie ... may 2006 bring you many good things.

1/11/2006 11:45:00 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

(raising a glass high) Here's to a year full of good things, whatever they may be.

1/12/2006 03:11:00 AM  
Blogger ladylinoleum said...

May your 2006 be filled with joy, discovery and much creative bliss!

I love your blog! Thanks so much for stopping by mine and giving me some insight into doll parts...

Hey are you a Taurus? I suffer from the same sort of analysis overkill too.

1/12/2006 05:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Dad said...

Dear Daughter:
I can remember the day you were conceived. It was a bright, sunny Day in February of 1969. Your mother and I wanted you very much and were esctatic when just a few weeks later Mom started to have her morning sickness (no home pregancy test kits in those days). You were born a healthy 7 pounds and 13 ounces, in November with such beautiful dimples and a full head of dark hair. We were thrilled to have such a beautiful, baby girl. You have been a wonderful daughter during the last 36 years. I wish you all the best in 2006.
Love
Dad

1/14/2006 11:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Bookish Wendy said...

We are not only what we experience but also what we choose to do with those experiences.

2005 was also the year of the knit blogger in Boston. Mwah!

1/17/2006 12:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Kathleen said...

After a pregnancy loss in 1996, specifically 9/13/96--I always remembered that day...the due date for a couple of years. What I would have been buying that child for Christmas--which we now donate to Toys for Tots. Friday the 13th anytime of year reminds me...as it was one. Seemed sort of appropriate at the time. Sigh. The pain did lessen for me. The next kid helped with that. I am wishing you a very happy and prolific! 2006.

1/17/2006 08:42:00 PM  
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